Alan Shearer’s blind date – who will he pick, Blackburn Rovers, Bognor Regis Town or Terek Grozny?
Match of the Day pundit Alan Shearer is worried about his return to football management. Shearer – who was in charge of Newcastle for eight games in 2009 when they were relegated – has yet to find a suitable job, despite being strongly linked with posts at Cardiff City and Sheffield Wednesday, reportedly turning both down.
Now Shearer has attempted to put a stop to rumours that he is being too picky with job offers. "I've got to be careful because the first one has to be right," said Shearer. "If it goes wrong it's got to be my fault, and nobody else's. I also don't want to be seen as being picky and choosy, but I would like to get into it if the right one came along."
As each week passes, that funny little bit of hair on Shearer's bonce recedes further and we become more concerned that Al will be forever stuck on the MOTD sofa, like Alan Hansen, casting himself adrift from the game over a sea of hot air and punditry cliches. Unfortunately for Shearer, most clubs have recruited new gaffers, but we're hopeful we can hook Al up with a new club soon…
It's over to Cilla and our three hopefuls…
CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE
What's your name and where do you come from?
Blackburn Rovers and we're from the north west!
What do you do, chuck?
Well, we're a Premier League football club, owned by some chicken farmers. We had a bit of a rubbish time last season and we've been in a relationship with this bloke named Steve Kean, but he thinks we will be playing in the Champions League soon and we're not sure that's really going to work out. Especially since we keep selling our best players and, to top it all off, El Hadji Diouf is back. So we could be looking for a new manager to sweep us off our feet very soon.
OK, over to you, Alan… "Question number one, for contestant number one - if I was to become your manager, what could I expect from our relationship?"
If you pick us you can expect a life full of tense relegation battles, pre-season tours to India (and possibly Delhi-belly) and possibly the sack for guiding the club to mid-table stability. Pick us Alan, and we will put you on the pedestal as our most famous former player and bestest manager ever, then probably sack you, just like Newcastle!
CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO
What's your name and where do you come from?
Hi Alan, we're called Bognor Regis Town FC and we're from West Sussex!
What do you do?
We play in the Ryman Isthmian Football League Division One South! [Audience: 'Wooooooooo']
"Question number one for contestant number two - if I was to become your manager, what kind of relationship could I expect?"
Well Alan, we're looking for someone to get hold of our U18 squad, on a voluntary basis, so you won't receive any moolah – perhaps you could do it for BBC Sport Relief or something. You'd get to pit your wits against sides such as Hastings United, Burgess Hill Town and Horsham YMCA, while we could put you up at Butlins, where you could feast on chicken and beans and relive your 1990s heyday at the 90s Reloaded Weekend in October (featuring Chesney Hawkes).
CONTESTANT NUMBER THREE
What's your name and where do you come from?
Terek Grozny and we're from Chechnya in Russia!
What do you do?
We're a football team that plays in the Russian Premier League. Our chairman is the Chechnyan president Ramzan Kadyrov, who has a pet tiger, enjoys paying football legends like Diego Maradona and Luis Figo to play for his team and has been accused of torture at home and murder abroad! [Audience: 'Ooooooooooh']
Question number one for contestant number three - "If I was to become your manager, what would sort of relationship would we have?"
We're looking for a serious relationship, comrade Shearer, not someone who merely wants a good time. We had a dalliance with that Ruud Gullit recently, but it seemed he was more interested in nightclubs than football clubs, so he got the boot. Now we've got a man named Isa Baytiyev in charge, but if our interest in this particular ISA begins to wane, we're sure we could bank on you!
Before you make your decision Alan, here's our Graham (Taylor) with a quick reminder…
?"Will Alan pick contestant number one, Blackburn Rovers, an old flame with Indian flavour… or will he chicken out from getting involved with Venky's? Or will Alan pick contestant number two, Bognor Regis Town FC, where life's a beach working with the under-18s? Or will Alan be Russian to work for contestant number three, Terek Grozny? The decision is yours!"
Which kind of club do you think Alan Shearer should be looking to manage? Let us know your thoughts by commenting below…